In Her Diary

This is going to be my first blog here in Blogger.com. But not my first blog at all! LOL. And as I wrote a blog or something like it, I'm not gonna promise you nor to myself that my blogs will be interesting. But surely I'll see to it that it really has something to say! Hehe. So to start, let me tell you something about this not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman I know, who knew me as well! And nope, we are not family neither friends. But she knows me as much as I know her.

In her diary she wrote how exciting her life was. Her life...as we know it! It was flawless at times and in some cases it was weirdly chaotic and jokingly rude! She had her first major lie with her parents when she was in her kindergarten year. She was 6 back then. While playing inside the class room she fell on the concrete floor from a distance af round 4 feet high. Her posterior head was the first part of her body that hits the floor badly. So bad that it even swell and she was in pain. Luckily nothing serious happened though. When she went home she just told her parents that it was not a bad fall and she fell from only a short distance of about a foot!

When she was in her 1st grade of elementary, she was slapped quitely hard by her teacher after she came back to class. She went to the other High School Depatment which was about half a mile away from their school grounds. Two high school girls students who were taking vocational courses of "hair styling" invited her and a classmate to cut their hair! When she reached grade 5, a school head teacher hit her with a broom for 3 to 5 times in a row! For the reason that she thinks doesn't deserve that kind of anger and punishment. She was beaten by both of her parents at one time! It scared her to death! Those were just few of her life's irony. Which I believed the naughty little girls deserved.

After years of struggles, pleasure, pressure, and sweet events... she grew up! But still her family wants her to be mature mentally! Now she's under pressure again. By that time when she was in the peak of her teenage life, she was afraid to deal with boys, afraid to tell the truth! Afraid that when she tells the truth it might cost her, instead of rescuing her. She was always concern and somewhat anxious. Concern with her studies at the same time struggling! She wants to be good but can't do nothing to do good! She wants to excel but doesn't know how to... She's not sure if things could do her any better. She wants to be somewhere, she wants to do something, and she wants to meet someone. All these dilemma, made her more fragile! Patience to her was never-the-less a vitue. She finds it as a waste of time. She grew up insecure. With her look, knowledge, skills, and talents. Until one day she told herself that she is tired of being that person! Tired of selling lies just to play safe and be rewarded. She've even lost the black pearl pair of her elder sister's earings which she used without her sister's consent way back in her freshman year in college!

She had enough of the tension and she's tired of her seemingly scripted life. She's tired of doing things she's not suppose to do and tired of performing arts that she's not good at. She's tired of taking directions outside of her own capabilities. Now she wants to run away! Run away and find her lost self. Just today she have realized... Those teachers have done wrong when they thought she've done wrong. She saw it on TV, students and parents were rallying against a cruel Elementary Principal, who uses force to gain respect and orderliness of the school.

Yes, she made her realizations... And along with that she have also realized, that she can't tell it to her parents not because she doesn't want them to get worried. She can't tell them because she has fear. And she have also realized that she've been lost for a long time now... And when will she find herself is anybody's guess...

As for the moment she doesn't feel right and doesn't feel good with herself! She's still questioning her capabilities. She thinks she's not good, and cannot be trusted. Maybe because that's what her personality is showing. Or maybe because she doesn't deserve one at all... She felt smaller, little nicer, but creating strength somehow... She's often difficult! But I'm still glad I knew her (Do I?). And I'm glad to be her. She's glad to be me..